When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
You Might Also Like
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.