My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
couldn’t resist
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!