Ovenable?
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?