My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
…u ok Nintendo?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
cry laughing at this shit
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this