She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.