Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.