Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
You Might Also Like
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.