Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them