“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The Onion called it…again.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly