Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You Might Also Like
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?