October already? What’s next? November????
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.