I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Just me?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?