do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.