Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Good morning.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.