When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.