Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
i dont have time for this
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.