[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish