“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
your honor my client chooses dare