I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
my dad has had enough
Has science gone too far?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.