I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My dress code is business-casualty.