I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.