Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.