Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
📽️movie date🎞️
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
X-tra spooky blend
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what