A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
how much does a mortician urn in a year