stand with me against insufficient seating
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Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda