not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Good morning!
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’ve been drinking.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Anime is real
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..