Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
You Might Also Like
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector