I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
This meeting could have been a cake
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit