Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.