not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen