You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Mission: Impossible
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Hitlers gonna hitl
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall