[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.