You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this