What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
What the hell happened here.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks