The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
This is I, Robot all over again
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter