My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.