After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
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[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
oh shit