Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.