guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
You Might Also Like
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”