I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
That’s enough internet for the day
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue