Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.