starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others