i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
podcasts
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi