Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
You Might Also Like
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When I snag the last meatball.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.