ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.