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[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
don’t be scared
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.