First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
time for some seasonal decor
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical