What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I love you…
…r dog.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy