I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
emergency phone