Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith